Undefined
by scarredofchickens
Summary: This is the story of Courtney Davis, a misfit amity with too many issues. Her aptitude results may not be the only thing to get her into trouble when facing the choosing ceremony and later the struggle of Initiation. Life and death have never seemed so real as she faces fears of love, fears of loss and fears of life Previously named Aptitudes and Attitudes
1. Chapter 1

**Thank you so much for clicking on this story  
I'm only a beginner writer and don't have a beta but please bear with this and I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I do writing it :)**

**Disclaimer: this dystopian world is property of Veronica Roth only and I have no claim on it**

I sit perched up in an apple tree in our orchard staring out over the rest of the amity compound. This is my favourite place. Being able to feel above everything lifts my now heavy spirits. Today is the day of our aptitude tests. The sun is just rising over the fields and it casts a warm glow across everything. I swing my feet around in the gentle breeze loving the feeling of the wind lashing at my legs. I know I should be helping out back at the compound but I feel the need to be solitary.  
We are told that there is nothing we can do to prepare ourselves for the test but I at least want a clear head going into whatever this test is.  
I like being able to think logically, not panicking. Besides the test doesn't tell you which faction you have to go to, it's only a guideline. And you're stupid if you don't follow it.  
There is no point in hiding up here all day someone will come and find me regardless. I sigh and throw myself off the branch landing in one below.  
Almost all amity can climb trees. But few have the bravery to climb as high as I do. That's why I like it there. Nobody else bothers you.  
"Courtney" I hear my older brother Liam call.  
Liam had his choosing ceremony two years ago. The perfect stereotypical amity, bright bubbly and slightly brainless at times.  
I climb down the rest of the tree slowly taking my time as not to crack some of the precarious branches of this not so stable tree. It suited me fine as a child but now I'm a bit bigger it doesn't like my weight too much.  
"Courtney!" I can hear Liam becoming increasingly more frustrated.  
"I'm coming!" I yell back dropping to the ground with a slight huff.  
"Calm down I come in peace. Mum sent me to come and make you clean up before today". I look down at my outfit. My red plaid shirt, which used to be Liam's before I stole it, almost covers a faded pair of yellow denim shorts.  
"What's wrong with this?" I say gesturing to my clothing slightly irritated at the implication that I don't look alright. Sure the clothes are a little dirty and dusty from running through an orchard at 5 in the morning but I can't find any other faults in my attire.  
He pulls a face like he is confused as to whether or not I'm kidding around. When he realizes I was serious Liam just shakes his head and walks off in the direction of home.  
I stalk off after him sulking slightly at the thought of having to dress nicely.

**Thank you for reading :) reviews are appreciated and so are follows**


	2. Chapter 2

A red skirt and a frilly yellow blouse is what I'm dressed in for the day. Against my instinct I don't argue too much over what I wear. I'm scared of what today might hold.  
"Your in amity darling smile"  
Not for long I think darkly  
"Why exactly do I have to dress up today mum" "  
It's not such a bad thing to look nice for others"  
"I really don't think I need to dress up for a stiff administering a test. I really don't think they would mind"  
"Ehem. What was that Courtney" my father clears his throat from across the lounge room. I forgot he was sitting there.  
"My apologies let me try again. I really don't think an abnegation member would mind how I dress" I say smiling sarcastically in the direction of my father who is wearing a fairly dissatisfied expression on his face similar to that of my mother. My father was once a transfer from abnegation and he still holds some of his previous ways. One of those is personally hating the slang word 'stiff' when referring to an abnegation member. It's almost the equivalent to swearing in this house.  
I roll my eyes and I tuck the blouse into the band of my skirt when I think my mother isn't looking. I put my hair in its usual plaits down the sides of my head so the cover my ears. The fact that they fall past my waist makes me look like a kid. I find my red rimmed glasses on my bedside table and pull them on. I don't see that they make much difference to my eyesight I only wear them because my previously Erudite mother told me too when I was 6. With my combat boots I realize that I couldn't be less fashionable if I tried. I really couldn't care.  
With one quick glance at the clock I pick up my bag of the couch and head out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

I leave the house earlier to walk to the bus stop. I can't help but feel slightly satisfied when I see Corey with a very bruised left eye.  
I know amity are supposed to be peaceful people but if anybody messes with my heart like he did they deserve to have their faces messed up too in my books.  
I still feel betrayed just thinking about him but then can't hide a grin when I remember humiliating him publicly by getting beaten up by a girl.  
Not that he could have done anything back he's to perfectly amity when there are others around, hurting people would be the last thing on his mind, he has to keep up appearances.  
He'd make a rubbish Candor because the facade he pulls masks his true being. If that side were ever exposed I think amity would be broken that their golden boy had done something wrong.  
That particular public display of disaffection earned me another meeting with my friend the peace serum.  
So I've heard Amity put small amounts of peace serum in the bread, but I haven't eaten the stuff since I was two and arguing with my parents that it was poisoned. My brother sets everyone else's expectations high for our family but I have a few incidents like this once in a while, 'lowering standards of our family' as Liam likes to call it. I call it self expression.

With a squeal of worn brakes the bus pulls up. In amity and abnegation there is never any competition for seats so I find one with no problem I sit next to a candor girl. She is not one for conversation apparently, she spends the entire ride using the reflection of the window to glare at me. I couldn't care less I have bigger things to worry about. Things like the aptitude test. The word test itself is often enough to strike fear into my heart, but when combined with the idea that it sets out our futures, how am i supposed to cope?!  
When at school I act much more like an amity should, with a bounce in my step and the ability to stay away from a fight but today I'm missing the fake smile that is usually plastered to my face. Shutting the door on my locker I make my way to my first half a class for the day with my head and eyes trained down.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately enough for me I wasn't clever to come up with my own five faction system therefore this world belongs to Veronica Roth**

At lunchtime I sit at an amity table with almost half my faction. Seats are pulled from all over the place just to circle this one table. I'm feeling suffocated by the amount of bodies pressing me into the table that is digging into my stomach.  
If I tried to sit any closer to the table I would be sitting on it  
. Impatiently I tap my fingers on the table slowly watching people disappear off to have the aptitude test.  
"What do you think Courtney?" Says a blonde amity girl named Gracie.  
I snap out if my trance state.  
"Uh yeah sure" I try to sound enthusiastic even though I have no idea what I just agreed to.  
"What's wrong you've been frowning all day"  
says one of my better friends Ryan, leaning over the table.  
"Test has me on the edge"  
"oh I understand. I'm not too keen either. They say that there is no way we can prepare for it, but I've been studying extra math just in case cause it's not exactly my strongest subject. To be honest none of them actually are..." he starts to trail off in thought  
"Ryan I don't think it is going to be anything like a math test"  
"no harm in trying" I shrug dismissively. I don't fancy doing any more math work than necessary stuck in amity the best math job I would get to do is counting apples and I don't particularly fancy doing that for a living. I don't know what I want but maybe that's because I don't know where I belong. Hopefully whatever sort of test this is will clear up this problem for me. That is the only positive thing I can see coming out of this test I will finally know the place that I will fit in.  
"Corey Charlton and Courtney Davis" calls a short woman with a plain face and baggy grey clothing. I stand up unconsciously pulling the back of my skirt down as I escape the labyrinth of amity bodies compressing me. Stepping around them, I take a huge breath and walk over as slowly as if I was headed to my execution.

**Thank you so much I almost had a Fangirl attack when I saw that I had another review and two followers not to mention a favourite!**  
**Nothing makes me happier than seeing that somebody is actually enjoying what I write other than myself. I really only write this so I can read it myself.**  
**Sorry for rambling but I'm not sure how frequent updating will be at all because I'm away half the week without internet connection and I have too much homework to be doing much of anything else. SHHH I'm secretly posting this chapter now just to avoid it all.**

**BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING:) 4 **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Divergent is not mine all rights belong to Veronica Roth**

I follow the abnegation woman through a doorway into a small room covered in mirrors. The metal seat in the middle of the room is cold against my exposed skin on my legs. I put my arms on the arm rests only to find they are just as icy.  
"Lie down and drink this please" I eye the cup suspiciously. I'm not drinking anything without knowing what it is.  
"Not before you tell me what it is"  
"I will not, now please drink it"  
"what's in it?!"  
"Please I thought amity were supposed to be peaceful. If it will help get you to drink it, it will only put you into a simulation now please just take it"  
No way. I'm not drinking anything that makes me lose awareness. I cross my arms defiantly across my chest a clear sign that I will be making no effort to reach for the cup myself.  
"They warned me that you might be a bit difficult but I was too self confident in thinking I could make it work" she says to herself.  
I hadn't notice what was in the small black box sitting on the desk near the monitoring machine when I realize what she was fiddling with its too late she jabs the needle in my neck and I start to feel a bit faint. I let out a small scream of defiance at the pain in my neck. I'm not afraid of needles, I just appreciate a little warning before being stabbed with them!  
I guessed this sort of thing was only done for difficult participants, the unwilling ones such as myself. The outline of the room glows white and then the white edging slowly consumes everything and I fall under.

**Yes yes I know this one is terribly short but I promise the next one will be the longest yet I promise :)  
Thank you for reading 4**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Divergent is not mine nor do I claim it as such

I wake up back in the school cafeteria but it is untouched with all seats and tables neat clean and empty. I rub my temple with my wrist. I feel like I've been asleep for a month.  
"Chose" says an unfamiliar female voice. Chose what? It is then that I see the two bowls. One contains a large knife and the other a nice large hunk of cheese.  
"What for?" I question the mysterious voice. I have a strange feeling that the voice was in my head but when it responds I wipe away the thought. "Choose"  
"why?"  
"Just choose"  
"not until I know why!"  
"Because I said to now pick one!" The voice says becoming increasingly more angered.  
"Who are you to tell me what to do? Give me a good reason why I should listen to you!"  
"Fine then I'll take them away if you feel like that" the voice says with an arrogant air of superiority.  
I quickly snatch the cheese out of the second basket before it vanishes. I have no idea what I'll do with it though. I suppose I could eat it, I'm a bit hungry after skipping breakfast and lunch in terror of this test.  
The doors to the cafeteria fly open. I expect to see a flood of students but instead a snarling dog walks around. Thinking back now maybe the knife would have been a brilliant choice.  
I look around me for something to use as a weapon. Nothing would really be effective. I suppose I could try and shove the cheese as far down the dogs throat as I can in hope of choking it, but then I run the risk of losing my arm in its jaws.  
Come on Courtney think logically, I can't challenge the dog nor can I run away without becoming a chew toy, being submissive is not really in my nature so that leaves me with one choice but I don't think it's a good one. I stand as still as a statue not even looking at the dog at all. I avoid its eyes by squeezing mine shut tightly. I sense it coming towards me and feel it jump up. The force almost knocks me backward and I open my eyes I shock.  
The dog has a goofy grin on its face and jumps up again putting its front paws on either side of my waist like it's giving me a cuddle. The dog shows no sign of menace at all.  
I rub it's ears and it licks my face. Disgusted I take a step back and wipe dog dribble off my face on the sleeve of my shirt.  
"Puppy" trills a high little voice. The dog makes a growling sound and I snap my head in the direction if a little girl running at full speed towards the suddenly vicious dog. The dog starts to charge and I panic. The little girl registers that this puppy probably isn't a nice one to pat and starts to run back. The dog then starts to Pursue her.  
I take my hunk of cheese and throw it at the dog hitting it in the head and yelling out  
"oi! over here!" This startled the dog for a second as it decides who to go for. Fortunately this provided enough time for the girl to run back to where ever she came from.  
The dog barrels towards me again but this time I do not close my eyes instead I stand up strong and confident just waiting for the feeling of teeth piercing my skin that could surely kill me.

The whole room shifts and I'm on a bus with a really bad smelling factionless man. I try to sneak towards the back of the bus without being noticed.  
"Hey! Girl!"croaks the man. His hair is long and greasy and his mismatched clothes are disheveled. I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could kick him.  
Yes" I say sweetly turning back around to face him.  
"Do you know this person" he demands angrily jabbing his finger at a mug shot in the newspaper his voice hoarse. My gut is telling me not to tell him anything even though the image and name displayed below are oddly familiar.  
"Nup" I say dismissively  
"you do so, you're lying"  
"how would you know your factionless not Candor"  
"do you know him?"  
"I already said no"  
"and I already said your lying. Please it could help me"  
"a shower would help you most at the moment" he wears a stern expression and his grey eyes seem to just leach disdain.  
"Fine then how could it help you?" I ask  
"it just could"  
"I want a sufficient answer from you people! I need to know why I'm doing this!" I yell at the top of my lungs. It isn't aimed at just one person. It's aimed not only at this man and the voice before in the cafeteria and the stiff woman recording my results.  
"Trust me it would help me more than anything else" I take a deep breath. This guy really could use some help besides what could the harm possibly be.  
"Fine then yes I do know him" before anything else can happen I force the door of the bus open and jump out.

**Please don't think of me as pathetic but when I saw I had another review and more followers I got terribly shriekingly excited! It makes me so happy to know that people are actually reading this and some of you actually liking it!  
Thank you so much you know how to make a stressed girl happy 4**


	7. Chapter 7

I jolt up out of the cold metal chair slightly shaken up. My fingernails scratching against the cool smooth metal of the arm rests. The abnegation lady gapes at me while I sit up still rigid with fear and shock and 1000 different other emotions.  
"So what is it then" I demand Impatiently  
"Um yes your results" she manages to compose herself enough to look back at the monitoring thingie.  
"Well I'm sorry to say that your results are inconclusive"  
"wait does that mean I'm factionless" I say panicky. My breathing hitches slightly.  
"No it just means you have a possible aptitude for more than one faction"  
"how many exactly" I say slowly trying to absorb this information.  
"Impossibly" she looks me straight in the eyes unnervingly "all but Candor. You demonstrate a possible aptitude for erudite with your persistent questioning and need to know everything before you act so your limited impulsiveness. Your behaviour on general suggests dauntless but the reaction with the dog also tips the scale that way. Then the amity response was the choosing if the cheese over the knife. And finally you were only telling the man the truth because it could have helped him greatly. Candor was rules out as you were quite happy to lie to him before you knew that telling the truth would help him. Now some of your aptitudes aren't as strong as the others but still what you are is dangerous whatever you do you must not tell anyone if this result. Ever. Do you understand." I nod meekly  
"well best be going then she walks over the other side of the room and holds the door open for me. I run out of the room and through the nearly empty cafeteria and hide myself in the bathroom until the bus comes at the end of the day.

**Another part down thanks again as always for reading 4**  
**What did you think of the last chapter I'm curious to know...**

**I'm away tomorrow and Friday so no update till about Sunday maybe if your lucky Saturday**


	8. Chapter 8

I squeeze my way onto the bus and slide on a seat next to the same Candor girl as before. This time I happen to notice her features. The dark brown almond shaped eyes, the dark toned skin and the black glossy hair. I see the same face that I saw when I caught Corey with her pressed up against a wall. Those eyes that dared me to do something about it.  
She must register my realization because in the glass reflection I see my horrified expression and a smirk cross her face. My eyes narrow and I stand up and move away. I don't really want to cause a scene on the bus.  
I walk up the back and stand due to lack of seating. A gangly Ryan shoves his way towards me pushing past people who shoot him death glares.  
"What was that about?"  
"I really don't want to talk about it Ryan please drop it" I say with an exhausted tone.  
"Okay whatever" he isn't quite able to mask the dejection he feels because it is hiding there behind those pale blue eyes. It's like telling a kid he can't have his teddy bear. The reaction you would get is similar, the guilt overweighs you.  
"Meet me in the apple orchard after okay? I'll tell you then"  
"which part of it? Your not very specific"  
"you know exactly where"  
"what if I don't show up"  
"you will. You never disappoint me. Your like a little loyal puppy..." I cut my sentence of when the thought drags me back into memories of my test. I feel the blood drain from my face and my stomach rolls. I hate the back of busses they make me sick. If it weren't for that stupid candor I would never have moved.  
My stop couldn't have come soon enough I still feel increasingly mad towards the Candor girl. I'm in such a hurry to get off the bus that I accidentally ran into a Candor boy causing him to stumble and almost fall on his backside. Thankfully he grabs hold of something before he hit the deck.  
"Sorry" I call over my shoulder although I don't really mean it too much.

**Yeah sorry about the wait I've been fairly busy but thank you for reading  
I just can't express how much it means to me that people are actually reading it and I know I say that every authors note but I really mean it thank you sooooo much 4**


	9. Chapter 9

I sit up in my favourite tree in the apple orchard. It is by far the largest tree here located at the very far left hand side. I started climbing it almost as soon as I could walk. Over the years it has served me well.  
It saddens me a bit to think that I may never see it again after tonight. I still have to decide on the rest of my life. Where will I call my home from now on? I can't really stay here in this happy hole. The bright colours hurt my eyes and grass often gives me hay fever. Everything here is so even. The decision making strategy is rubbish and slow. Although the place isn't that bad I just feel I don't belong.  
Then I realise something that makes me furious with my parents. They have been grooming me to become part of their old factions. My father making me wait patiently and let others go first. My abnegation side is all him. The same with my mother. All the advanced classes at school and the glasses that probably aren't necessary. My erudite side is all her not me! And amity is just the place I was raised in and the customs I am used to attempting to occasionally follow. That leaves me with just one choice. The only side that is me is...  
"Wow I didn't remember how far away this tree was. Has it always been this far away?" I jump startled  
"jeeze Ryan are you trying to scare me do I fall out of this tree backwards"  
"maybe" he says with a smirk. He sits on the branch beside me and I lean my head on his shoulder.  
"What were you going to tell me?"  
"That was the bitch that I caught Corey with"  
"oh" he says his mouth opens in an "o" shape.  
"Yes and I really didn't want to cause a fuss on the bus. Everyone that isn't in amity still thinks that I'm a little amity pushover like everyone else and I didn't want to ruin it. Not now at least"  
"I am not an amity push over"  
"i didn't mean you I just ugh it was a stereotypical point okay. well maybe you are just a little but of a push over"  
"just a little bit" he amends. "Have you got your decisions yet for tomorrow?" he asks  
"I was just think about it before you tried to murder me"  
"well what were you thinking?"  
"I don't know I just don't think I can stay here it's just not right for me"  
"where would you go though? What did your test say?" 'You mustn't tell anybody' the abnegation woman's warning runs through my mind. But Ryan is my best friend would it really matter if I told him.  
"Amity" I lie unconvincingly tipping my head down.  
"definitely not Candor" he mutters under his breath  
"huh what did you say?"  
"Oh nothing just thinking about my results myself"  
"I don't want to stay here but I don't really want to leave you"  
"you don't have to" I sigh inwardly knowing that I may not really have a choice.  
"Where would you go other than here?" he asks curiously  
"Erudite. What about you?" I lie again this time more effectively. I can't see Ryan I anything else but amity.  
"Candor" unless it's Candor.  
"I guess that's what your test really said wasn't it"  
"yeah and I guess yours said erudite" I give a little half smile. "It's not that hard I could go to erudite with you" I try and picture him in a blue dress shirt and tie with a pair of fake glasses. I almost laugh. It could picture it without too much difficulty. With his tall lean build Ryan would easily fit in. I just don't really fit into any.  
I've heard from others how difficult dauntless initiation is, I might as well just turn factionless now. The sun shines down warmly on my face this place almost forces you to breathe in its happiness.  
"I don't want to leave this" i say responding to my thoughts. I turn to face Ryan.  
"I don't want to lose you either" slowly his hand reaches up to cup my face and we lean in brushing his soft warm lips against mine. I close my eyes and then realize what I'm doing. I pull away quickly and awkwardly  
"I'm sorry I've got to go" I say picking myself up and starting back down the tree.


	10. Chapter 10

In the dining hall after dinner I am approached by Ryan who wears an  
apologetic expression on his face. I can't help but cringe at the awkwardness  
of this situation. He hangs his head slightly as he talks.  
"Look I'm sorry  
I kissed you. But I'm not. Ugh no matter how I say this its wrong' he says  
throwing up his hands exasperated at his sudden inability to tell me what he's  
thinking."I just don't want things between us to become awkward or more than it  
is now." Really should have thought of that before.  
"So kissing me was a mistake?"  
"No I didn't mean ugh. I just came  
to say I know where my relationship with you stands and that is friends"  
"just friends" I say raising  
my eyebrows  
"just best friends" I nod in agreement. I want to give him a hug but  
I'm afraid it might send the wrong message. Although it is something I normally  
do anyway. Now it is awkward, damn.  
"I really did have to leave then  
though. I had kitchen duty. I wasn't just running away. I just wanted to leave  
this place with happy memories but I guess it could have been worse"  
"yeah you could have been on barn clean out"  
"even worse I could have been on  
barn clean out with you"  
"shut up I'm better company than  
your brother"  
"anybody is better company than  
Liam" I glance out the huge glass windows. The night is slowly starting to  
fall and the red sky blazes through leaves in the nearby trees.  
"So your leaving amity then"  
"what?"  
"You said you wanted happy memories  
to leave with" trust him to pick up on that comment  
"yeah maybe I guess. You?" Ryan bowed his head and mumbled something  
unintelligible. I guess I'll find out his choice tomorrow. We spend another  
hour or so just sitting in the dining room talking about mindless things and  
watching the sun fade away in a beautiful way I can only describe as amity.

**So it's been a little while...  
I'm sorry and I know this on is short but the next one will definitely be longer thank you as always for reading but I really would like to hear what you think of this story 4  
I'm thinking of changing the title to 'Undefined' what do you guys think I really would like to know****  
Next chapter will be posted when I hit 12 reviews thank you as always for reading**


	11. Chapter 11

I've been avoiding my parents. I know they will want to talk about my test and my results. Quite frankly I would be happy to forget all about being without any real aptitude and having to map out my life by tomorrow morning. When I open the front door all of my family are sitting in the living room just waiting to ambush me.  
"Where have you been?" My father asks "it is past 9"  
"I was with Ryan not that that is any of your business"  
"no need for rudeness Courtney, father was just interested in your welfare"  
"please shut your mouth Liam or ill do it for you. Keep out of my business"  
"Courtney that is no way to speak to anyone especially your brother. Apologise immediately" my mother states. Can't apologise for what I don't mean.  
"Liam I'm sorry you can't keep out of my business and mind your own" I say turning on my heel and making my way to my room shutting the door loudly behind me. I smile when I hear the satisfying sound of the door colliding with it's wooden frame in a rush.  
I lay on my bed staring at all the photos I have stuck on my ceiling. Pictures of me with my father, pictures with Liam even a few with my mother. What happened to turn the relationships sour. I think it was when they did nothing to defend and comfort me after the Corey incident. They yelled at me for being violent in public and assaulting someone. I thought fathers were supposed to protect their little girls from boys like that not stick up for the guy. That is what sucks about this faction bad violent behaviour prevents people from doing what is really right.  
I throw my pillow across the room instead of screaming into it like most people would do. I don't bother to muffle my aggravated screams usually this time wouldn't be an exception if i actually had air in my lungs to let out.  
. This is definitely the last night I stay in a faction that lets a family just stand by as a girl gets her heart shattered. The choice now is which way will I go. This would have been so much easier if I only had one possibility like normal people. But no life hates me and I get to hold the label of divergent. The label that could be a death sentence if discovered. I barely start drifting to sleep when a knock on my door frightens me awake.  
"Yes" I say slightly startled. I see my fathers face poke around the door.  
"I just wanted to ask about today. Did everything go well?"  
"Yeah it was all fine"  
"so I'm going to guess your aptitude result wasn't candor then?" He says stepping around the door and coming to sit on my bed  
"Am I really that bad a liar that it is so obvious?"  
"yes you are" I roll my eyes.  
"I guess you won't be staying with us much longer then?"  
"Am I really that predicable do I have no secrets?" He nods with the trace of a smile playing at his lips 3 a day growth framing his face. I remember rubbing my cheek over it as a child. I remember it feeling similar to the texture of sandpaper. I almost get the urge to reach out and touch it again almost as if I could go back to that happy place in time and live in it forever.  
"Where will you go?"  
"I haven't decided yet"  
"we'll surely you would go where the test recommended though. Where was that?" I don't answer I stay silent. "I understand that you might not want to talk to me at the moment but either way Ill find out tomorrow. Just don't forget no matter what you choose your still my little girl and I love you, nothing will change that" he kisses my forehead and leaves  
"I love you too dad" I say to the door. I lay in my bed feeling more like a little child than ever. A little child that has to make a big persons decision tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry but homework has been building a barrier between us. this is the first night off in a long time and with exams coming after the holidays...  
you don't need to hear the list of excuses but I'm not sure how frequently I will be able to update this. Thank you for the reviews and for reading my fanfic. Bye Four now my wonderful readers ) 4


	12. Chapter 12

Usually I wake up feeling refreshed, trust today to be an exception to that.  
My eyes feel heavy my head aches and my muscles are stiff and seem to refuse to unlock from the foetal position they currently hold. My mind seems to tick slugishly.  
There is an uncharacteristically loud bang on my door from my mother "we don't have all day Courtney wake up. They're not going to wait for you"  
" it's Amity running it they will wait for me if they don't want an argument to break out" I shout in the direction of the door. I throw the covers back and roll out of bed. I decide to be a nice child and make my bed for the first time in like ever.  
At the foot of the bed I find my mother has laid out an outfit for me today.  
A red sundress with straps that cross at the back. As much as I hate wearing dresses this one actually looks nice. Not that i particularly want to admit that.  
My mother spends all morning fussing over me. Making sure there are no crinkles in my dress making sure that one plait or one ribbon isn't longer than the other. I find a pair of gold ballet flats at the bottom of my wardrobe. They are the only pair of shoes I own that will actually look fine with a dress. Well at least that is what my mother thinks, I can't see the problem with my usual boots. "Smile darling your Amity" says my mother as she re plaits my hair in front of the full length mirror. 'not for long' I think darkly to myself 'not If I can help it'.  
When my mother finally considers me to be 'done' I go and sit in the back of the ute. This must be a special day if I get to ride in the ute. I always have to walk or catch a bus but today dad must have given in. Riding in the back of the ute with a few crates and loose bits of straw makes me feel so amity. I put my arms in the air out of sheer impulse feeling the wind blow against them and my muscles trying to resist the movement. It's nice to feel this way for at least one more time.

**I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I like writing them because I don't know that I will voluntarily stop posting them!**  
**seeing your reviews and that some people are actually following this story makes me happier than you would believe. Your opinions mean so much to me thank you all those that share them.**  
**Thank you for reading yet another chapter of undefined see you next chapter 4**


	13. Chapter 13

This year amity is running the choosing ceremony and it is reflected in the eyes of everyone we pass. The room has been turned into a red and yellow explosion. Amity just sings through all the decorations. Although I can honestly say I'm surprised it wasn't insisted that hay bales were to be used instead of seats.  
I stand in a huge line with all the others in my age group. I stand in between Corey and Jessica Dawson from erudite. Her blonde hair is all fluffed up getting in my face and she is wearing some awful perfume that is threatening to choke me, Erudite shouldn't try and look or smell nice because it seems I have to suffer for it.  
My pulse beats so loud in my ears that I can't hear what Johanna Reyes says. I can't even hear her call my name. Instead Corey gives me a not so friendly nudge towards the stage. I more or less hobble to the middle of the stage with anxiety tearing at my insides. The stress of having to choose my future so instantly has taken its toll. I take the knife out of Johanna's hand and cut a slice across my palm. It creates a stinging sensation but is soon replaced by the warm wet feeling of my pooling blood. I thought that when I got to the stage I would know what to do and would have thought it through more by now. This is sort of like homework, how I would put it off and off just hoping it would finish itself. I have learnt the hard way it doesn't.  
I'm only sixteen for a moment of my life. One stupid decision today means a lifetime's consequence. Which faction will be worth it? Would living a lifetime suffering in amity be better than failing the initiation of any other faction? If I were to choose amity I know that I would always have a place with my family and probably Ryan too but can I really fit to the conformity of peacefulness. I fear not. I may never be right for anywhere but I know amity has never been a place for me and recently has hardly been a place i want to call my home  
I think over my choices I'm not abnegation, I'm not erudite, dauntless is too hard and I'm not amity. There is no where I fit in. I am undefined. I don't fit. I close my eyes and hold my hand over any bowl. Strangely one bowl seems warmer than the rest. It seems more familiar and comfortable than the others.  
I turn my hand over and let the blood drip on the fiery coals of dauntless.  
With a quick glance I see the look of betrayal across Liam's face, my mother looks to be in shock and my father projects an unreadable a poker face that probably masks the hurt he feels or the betrayal or even just disappointment. I guess I'll never know. The expression that hurt the most was Ryan's. At first he looked conflicted and now he looks terrified.  
I walk to join the rest of the dark dauntless crowd, my red sticking out like a pimple on a pumpkin amongst the black of the dauntless.  
"Appleyard, Ryan" as he walk to the stage I'm almost certain I know that he'll chose candor or amity and it breaks my heart that I will have to separate from my lifelong best friend. Johanna hands him the knife and without hesitation he cuts his palm and let's his blood fall sealing his fate just as I now have.

**Yes I am well aware that It has been over a week since I updated. Even though it's holidays for me I have found myself more busy than before what with my first ever exams looming over me. I really am sorry for the lack of updating and poor response to reviews but I promise to try as hard as I can to be more active with this story. With love as always thanks for reading this story 4**


	14. Chapter 14

I stand in horror as I watch the blood of my gentle push over of a best friend fall into the lit coals of the dauntless bowl. I feel angry at him for following me and more guilty for leaving him in the first place. What was I thinking! Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew he wouldn't leave me. He's too loyal for that but this is much more than I anticipated. I have no thoughts that I will survive dauntless initiation myself and Ryan is one of the last people I would ever expect to see in dauntless. Ever. With his lanky build I would never have come to the conclusion he would choose dauntless. I look up and his eyes meet mine. They read something along the line of 'you jump I jump too'. This is ship fast sinking. With the last girl from abnegation choosing amity Johanna wraps the ceremony in a sickly cheery way and the factions all go on their way. I'm practically dragged along by the crowd of rowdy dauntless. I soon snap back into character. What Ryan did was his choice who am I to decide for him? 'His best friend with his best interests in mind' says one side of my head. The other side tells it firmly to shut up. I run after everyone else not wanting to fall behind. Outside the building and I see what we are running towards. I hear the train starting to rumble down the tracks. I run even faster not wanting to miss it and become factionless already. I won't leave without a fight. The train comes by and I run after it watching as other more experienced dauntless flood on like a flock of black crows. I feel my legs tense up to jump. I lunge for a hand rail and over estimate how far up it was. Fortunately a strong hand snags my wrist and helps me pull myself up. I return a gracious half smile to the person who just happens to be a candor transfer. Great I look weak in the eyes of my competition already. I look at the guy a little closer and notice his tall figure and strong hands. I look up to find a neat cut of brown hair and chocolate eyes that would be so easy to get lost in. I recognise this face as the person I nearly bowled over on my hasty exit off the bus yesterday. "It's fine, especially since it is the girl who nearly knocked me over" I force a half hearted smile too embarrassed to meet his eyes. I nearly knocked him over and now he possibly saved my life either from being factionless or dead. The first option was not the preferable one. I shove myself towards the middle of the crowd so I don't have to look at him anymore. I Stand at the edge of train in between another amity boy and two erudite girls. I start to see dauntless members that were in the cars in front of us leap off. This doesn't terrify me. And then I notice that we are leaping onto a 7 story high building and there is a gap that I could easily fall down. I hear one of the erudite girls saying "don't worry Kat, we will be fine" The Amity boy, Travis who was seemingly fixated on the erudite girls, standing next to me says "so we have to jump off onto a building" "yeah. I mean how hard could that be we're only 7 stories up and death is imminent if we fall. Piece of cake" "on the count of three" "okay. One. Two" and I leap off the train the building hurtling towards me. I brace myself for impact but hit my feet and have to do a tumble roll to stand up. Multiple Initiates both transfers and dauntless borns come screaming after me. "I can see why you didn't choose erudite. You can't even count to three" "sorry I just knew that if I didn't jump then I never would" "interesting theory. But for now I'll just pretend you can't count until you prove me wrong" I roll my eyes at him and walk away. When the rest of the initiates land on the roof I take a look around. There are more dauntless borns than transfer initiates. 18 initiates all up. 10 dauntless born and 3 amity including myself 3 candor and 2 erudite. A dark man with slightly greying receding hair stands on the ledge. I'm sure I remember there being about 10 transfers. I guess they didn't make it off the train from refusal to jump. I refuse to think that they may have fallen to their death. "I am Max one of the dauntless leaders. Several stories below where I am is the entrance to your new factions compound. If you can't find the strength to jump off here then you don't belong with us. And the lucky transfers get the privilege of going first." "but there is something beneath to soften our fall isn't there?" Says a Candor boy who seems to be about twice my size. "Of course there is something down there they're not going to make us jump onto cement. You wouldn't do that would you?" says Travis. "You'll find out if you reach the bottom then won't you" "of course there is something at the bottom Otherwise they'd have no initiates. How stupid can you be?" Ask the candor girl that was on the bus yesterday. "Shut up and leave him alone" I say crossing the roof to where she is standing near the edge. "Oh look who it is, the girl who can't satisfy her boyfriend" "shut up" I yell in her face .I feel the blood rush to my face with pure anger. I feel tempted to pull the ribbons from my hair and pull them tightly around her neck right now. "Make me" and she shoves my shoulders with all the force she's got. I hadn't realized how close I had walked to the edge of the building until now, but it's too late to do anything. The force of the shove was just enough to set me off balance and send me toppling over the edge of the 7 story building.

**Thank you so much to all those who favourite and followed my story. I really am touched when I realise somebody takes the time to read what I do. I know I now sound like a sissy but I really mean it. Thanks. And thank you to all those who just read it. I appreciate you all. Thank you. 4**


	15. Chapter 15

Now depending who you ask there are different stories about what happened as I fell. Some stories (really only my story) say that I only screamed as I fell. Most other accounts record that I may have sworn as I fell down.  
The ribbons in my hair whip at my face and I struggle to hold my dress down as the air rushes past me. I can't see where I'm falling I can only see what I've already past. I have no idea when I'll hit the bottom. I imagine it'll be soon. Time seems to cease when I fall. It feels like minutes before my back smashes into the net at the bottom.  
The jarring impact knocks the wind out of my lungs and I sit up gasping. I hear a few snickers from the edge of the net. I glare in the direction and slowly crawl towards the edge of the net ignoring the throbbing pain in my limbs from hitting the net so hard.  
I reach for any hand and manage to get to my feet. I can't really make out features but I can see some faces. Everything is so dark.  
"What's your name?" Says a tall stocky man to my right.  
"Err" here I can create myself an entirely new identity to fit my new chosen lifestyle. Courtney just seems so amity to me. Courtney had her own life but she's dead now. Now it's Faiths turn to reign.  
"Faith" I say with confidence. I have faith that I will make a new life in this new faction and I have faith that I will survive initiation.  
"First jumper Faith" yells a woman to my left. She has black hair pale skin and multiple facial piercings.  
"More like first faller" mumbles the guy next to her, clearly unaware that I am within ear shot. Then again I'm not in amity anymore people won't be half as nice.  
Cheers erupt from the shadows. I squint trying to get my eyes to adjust to this darkness. It feels weird to be in such poor illuminated surroundings. Walls of cold rock line this small cavern sort of area.  
The next jumpers are the two erudite girls I was beside. They just about land on each other and bounce up and smack heads "ow nice one" I hear one say to the other. The slightly taller one gives a name of Violet and the other Katrina.  
Initiates fall off the building one by one. The candor boy who helped me into the train gave the name of Brendan. The bitch of a candor girl says her name is Chelsea. Ryan didn't change his name. I go and stand next to the erudite girls almost to hide myself from the view of everybody's judging stares.  
"Ok listen up I'm only going to say this once, I am Noah and I am taking the transfers."  
The name Noah rings a bell. Liam had a friend Noah who I remember transferring to dauntless. I always liked his attitude as it was oddly similar to mine. It was a strange connection to have. Maybe he could be the same one. He looks to be almost the right age but the facial piercings are making it hard to tell. I will make it my mission to find out later.

So I wasn't going to post another one just yet but I was so impressed with the success of the last chapter that I just had to. Thank you so much for reading this fanfic and even more so for responding to it. I love you all. Till next time 4


	16. Chapter 16

We start heading down a pathway that isn't particularly wide. Through the darkness I can see Ryan push his way towards me. I'm mad at the whole situation of him being here in dauntless. I don't want to even talk to him at the moment best friend or not he shouldn't throw his future away like that. Not to be near someone like me. Someone who didn't bat an eyelid dripping her blood in the bowl of an opposing faction leaving him behind. I'm mad but I don't know how long I can stay that way not at Ryan at least. We have been through too much together for me to hold anything against him for too long now.  
I barely notice we have stopped moving until Noah's voice rings through the unbroken silence.  
"This here is the Chasm. It reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity. One daredevil jump off here will ultimately end your life so for your own sake don't bother trying. I don't want to have to identify you after your cold damp body has been fished out" We keep walking further looking over a place called 'the Pitt'.  
I never realised how much of a creative bunch the dauntless were. I mean to come up with names like 'The Chasm' or 'The Pit' must have taken extreme intelligence and thought. I don't dare voice the opinion out loud for fear of being rebuked so soon. It would be most unwelcome as an initiate for me to say it. Typically there was that one person in the crowd that had to say it. There is always that one person to make the comment everyone else so desperately suppresses.  
"The Pit. Really? Who thought of that one? Must have taken them a while" I'm not in any way surprised to find that it was a candor that made the comment.  
In an instant Noah's head snaps around eyeing the bitch that made the comment with a steely glare.  
"What's your name candor?" He snaps  
"Chelsea" she chokes and tries to meet his eyes in a stare of her own  
"Did I ask for your opinion on the names of your surroundings?"  
"No" her voice cracks like she's about to cry.  
"Well Chelsea if you don't want to face a date with the chasm then I suggest you keep your unwanted opinions and comments to yourself, smart mouth." I have to bite my lip to hide a laugh  
"Hey tree hugger did you find that funny? Would you like to join her?"  
"Not really" I squeeze out without squeaking or running away. I'm not stupid I know that now is not the time to take on a dauntless instructor in a battle of wits.  
"Then stop giggling. Your not amity toughen up." With nothing more than a blink he turns back from an intimidator to a tour guide.  
I release a breath that I never knew I was holding in. If I am to survive here I will need to bury all my amity traits permanently.  
"Nice going trying to get yourself killed before we even start" Ryan says in my ear  
"I knew you were mad when you chose dauntless but I never knew you had a death wish" I huff in disbelief. He has never said anything like that to me ever. He really should have chosen Candor. It is not the time to start getting honest with me now.

**This may be the last update for well over a week as exams are next week for me and I really need to focus on those.**  
**On a different note, I finished allegiant toady and all I have to say is ...**  
**That's it just ...**  
**I Thank you all so much for reading this and thank you to all the reviewers and followers and Favourite'rs you warm the heart of this Ice queen. Thanks again for reading**


	17. Chapter 17

Noah leads us into a huge communal dining hall. I have never heard do much racket in all my life. When we enter there is hooting and hollering with people pumping their fists in the air, banging on tables and stomping feet. At least there is nobody sitting on the table. That's a step up from my expectation.  
The dauntless at school never sat on the benches, only ever the tables. I was starting to wonder if the dauntless had a secret rule that one must not sit on allocated seating but on tables instead. All the initiates sit on the same tables not spread out or sitting individually. The dauntless borns sat on one table the transfers another. Our instructors are gracious enough to sit with us.  
How thoughtful. I don't need to be babysat while I eat. I make a point of sitting on the very end of the table just to avoid their watch. All the others can suck up to them if they want. I have no interest on going out of my way to be courteous towards them.  
"Hello" the two erudite girls say at the same time sitting across from me at the end of the table  
"Hey" I say with an enthusiasm I didn't know I owned  
"I'm Katrina", says the girl on my left, "but people call me Kat"  
"And I am Violet" the girl next to Katrina says in a cheery voice  
"Faith" I say a forced smile tugging at my lips. I don't want to seem shut off to these people. I want to engage in the animated babble like I did in amity. But then it felt like a blanket I would pull over myself. That blanket seems to have been torn away from me.  
"Faith huh?... Pretty name, that type of name suits an Amity" Violet then thinks for a moment before speaking again "although... I guess you aren't Amity anymore..."  
"No I was never a damn Amity! I'm sorry I find it hard to talk to people I don't know. And this is the first time I've had the freedom of speech. I'm so sick of minding what I say"  
"No need to snap," said Brendan in a cold voice. He sat just down the table from Violet. "the names Brendan by the way," Violet give Katrina a look before looking back again  
"well... I think you will fit into Dauntless very well, Faith!" Violet smiles again and nods at her own words.  
"Please just don't associate me with those happy clappy people anymore. I'm not made of rainbows and butterflies nor do I wish to pretend otherwise for another moment"  
"Don't they put stuff in the bread?" Katrina asks her eyebrow raising and her head tilting slightly  
"I'm not sure. As a kid i was convinced it was poisoned. Not that they would tell anyone if they did."  
"I read something about it once for some stupid school thing" Katrina replied saying the word school with disgust.  
"Amity would hardly stoop to that level Courtney. They would hardly drug the population." Ryan says from his spot at the end of the table.  
"My name is Faith incase you missed it Ryan" I shoot at him  
"I think they would if they had the chance!" Katrina says trying to defend apparently  
"You sure?" says Brendan with a curious expression come across his face, "I was told by another candor that they put something in it,"  
"Nothing would get past without everyone knowing about it. It would need to be passed through our democratic system first. Besides candors lie" Ryan says superiorly  
"A candor who lies and gets away with it is a perfect candor and I have never met one," says Brendan shutting Ryan down with his superiority  
"I have" I say flicking my head in a gesture towards Chelsea With half a smirk on my face I stab at the burger on my plate and watch Ryan douse his in sauce. "Well ok guess I am wrong," says Brendan going quiet and eating a chip from his plate  
"Can I sit here?" I spin around in my seat to se e Travis the other Amity transfer standing behind me.  
"Go ahead" I yell knowing he was drooling over Katrina on the train. My face slides into a real smile He sits down in the seat next to me, opposite of Katrina and states at his plate eating, but I catch him stealing glances at Katrina, not that she seems to notice them. Dinner and a show. I smile to myself.  
"This is travis" I say gesturing to him over the table. "If you want any further introduction you'll have to do it yourself" I tell him Travis just looks up at me in shock and shakes his head slightly turning back to his food. Wow for an amity he's Rather introverted. I thought I was bad.  
"So why'd all you lot transfer then?" I say.  
"Getting away from the fakes and...," Brendan trails off, not finishing his sentence and scuffs down a handful of chips which nearly made him choke I once again have to hide a giggle. What is wrong with me today. I hardly ever giggle and when I finally do it only seems to be getting me in more trouble.  
"I hated my life" Katrina says straight away, sounding happy as she does  
"Why?" Travis says finally Katrina either doesn't hear or pretends not to. I look over at Katrina and see her staring at Travis with wide eyes like she didn't expect anyone to ask her why.  
"Why did I transfer?... Well... I never did really fit in at Erudite... I am not very smart... I am not really the things that an Erudite SHOULD be... So, I wanted change..." Violet had held a serious expression when she had first spoken, with a smirk then coming across we features  
Travis's question for Katrina gets lost in all the other responses. Violet spoke again.  
"besides... Dauntless sounds SO much more fun than Erudite!"  
"I transferred to prove myself" Ryan says. The comment makes me feel horrible and guilt stricken. This is something i can never forgive myself for. Ruining my best friend's possibility for a future.  
"Why'd you hate your life Katrina?" I echo travis' question. She still seems reluctant to respond.  
"I know you killed a man with too much calculus and had to come here and create an entirely new identity for yourself to escape the erudite leader!" I say trying to ease the tension when I see Katrina looking hesitant about answering "  
Yea, totally, that's exactly why", she says finally smiling, "it's just, my mum died after my birth, and when I was about 7 my dad married this witch and he was always to busy with her and work and I became invisible to him, I only had Violet has my family" she smiles at the last part and leans her head on Violets shoulder. That seems to silence the table for a few seconds. Nobody seems to know quite how to respond  
"Sounds horrible, I can't even imagine the pain you must have gone through," Brendan says which is a lie, Brendan can't lie and it is written over his face that it is one. That's enough secrets for one night though. I won't date delve any deeper as it looks like it is something he has never told anyone.  
"No need to be rude!" Travis says apparently realizing the lie and trying to defend Katrina  
"He didn't mean any harm" I snap back at Travis who looks like he could just shrivel up under my glare.  
"I wasn't being rude, I was trying to be nice but obviously it wasn't worth it," Brendan then gets up and leaves apparently not wanting to talk anymore.  
"Guys, calm down" Katrina says raising her arms and then lowering them towards the table  
"I don't tend to do calm" I remind them politely "Brendan get your butt back over here and don't throw a sook" I yell after him  
"I feel sick" Katrina says suddenly looking at her barely half eaten plate and pushing it away, "I think I ate too much"  
"You haven't eaten anything" Ryan points out.  
"I have too!" She exclaims pointing to the empty part of her plate  
"That was there before you started" "No it wasn't, there were chips there" Brendan started laughing at them,  
"complaining about food wow and I thought The other initiates were bad enough," sitting back down  
"If you are unhappy with the way we are doing things feel free to go back and join them then"  
The stuffy dining hall is suffocating mix that in with being goodness only knows how far underground and I feel what I hope isn't home sickness. I feel my lungs ache for the familiar bright open spaces and clear air of the amity compound. 'Shut up' I think to my lungs 'this is your home now deal with it'

**So yes It has been a while... I still have an exam in less than two weeks but I may be able to sneak in updates. I know that this chapter is fairly random and mainly dialogue but I just wanted you to get a feel for the characters ever changing personalities.**

**On a different note entirely would anybody be interested If I started a TMI fanfic. I've had the Idea for a while but I want to put it into action. It would Be AU and Clary lives in a world that she is tired of. she tries to end it all at the lake but something unexpected happens and she meets our golden hero Jace in the 'Shadow world' **  
**I've only just started it like an hour ago but I'm really excited because it would be the first fanfic where I actually create the world that the characters are in not borrow someone else's like in this fanfic.**  
**Please respond to this I really would like to know what you all think of the idea**

**Thanks again as always for reading 4**


	18. Chapter 18

"Transfers!" Noah's voice rings through the surrounding racket. "For those of you who don't want to spend the night sleeping in the corridors come with me now. But if you are happy sleeping on cold uneven stone floors you may stay put" I see everyone slowly start to stand up and notice Violet and Katrina holding hands as they stand These two look thick as thieves. I know by trying to befriend them I will be the outsider. Nothing could split these two.  
I will not fall behind in these dark hallways. I quickly step in line behind the other male candor initiate and follow as he leaves the dining room.  
We walk down more never ending dark hallways poorly illuminated with blue lights. I feel someone come up beside and know instantly it's Travis.  
We stop at some large wooden door and Noah starts into another speech.  
"Initiation in dauntless is taken very seriously. There are a few rules you will be expected to follow. You must be in the training room by 8 every morning. You will be training everyday from 8-6 with a break only for lunch. After six the time is yours to do whatever. You will also be given time off between stages of initiation." Noah pauses. I wonder how many times he practiced this speech, he seems to know it fairly well.  
"You can't leave the compound unless you are accompanied by a dauntless" I hear some collective groans as if people actually wanted to leave already.  
"So this is where we are staying behind these doors?" asked Chelsea  
"Unless you are sleeping in the hallway, yes!" And Noah opens the door  
"Why am I not surprised? a stupid question from a stupid girl," said Brendan laughing at Chelsea.  
"Another Candor" Noah says "would you lot please keep your mouths shut! Insulting you is my job!"  
When we walk in I stop beside the erudite 'twins' and hear violet whisper to Katrina  
"can we share a bunk?"  
Without hesitation I jump straight for the top bunk furthest away from all the others. I look per and see Katrina and Violet sharing a bunk and Travis quickly taking the one next to theirs. Ryan unsurprisingly takes the bunk beneath mine.  
I get down and check the draws beneath the beds to find clothes have been supplied. They are too loose but will serve fine as pyjamas. First thing to do in my free time tomorrow is get new clothes.  
I don't exactly feel comfortable undressing in front of so many people at all. I don't call striping down in front of people bravery. I'm not prude. I like to think of it more as self consciousness. I don't want to leave and go to the bath room to do it either. That would make me look vulnerable. Instead I opt for getting changed on my bed.  
I leave my glasses in one of the draws before taking my change of clothes and climbing onto the bed. I fold up my red dress and place it on my pillow. It still smells like my old home. My old me.  
There is a small part of me that still wants to keep hold of that small piece of my past.  
Methodically I undo my plaits and I tie the ribbons on the rail of the bed. I consider it my decoration. It claims this bed as mine. It's not like I can paint the walls or put up pictures or anything in here so my ribbons will have to be my source of self expression.  
My hair falls out in wavy strands making it look even thicker as it spreads out on my pillow.  
I don't know if we have a set lights out time or not but if I'm to be up and ready by 8 I need to go to sleep now. I know one thing for certain. I will not sleep tonight.

I lie in my top bunk and stare up at the dark ceiling. The faint whimpers of other initiates surround me. It almost feels like I'm being dragged down into a deep pool of their sorrows. Some try to be more discreet than others using pillows in an attempt to muffle their cries. As the night slowly progresses it seems that some have no shame in full out bawling. It's making any thought of sleep I may have had an impossible fantasy.  
The bed beneath me shakes from the trembles of Ryan as he mourns his family and life he left behind in amity.  
I will not mourn here for my family nor for my faction. I will not cry in front of these people. I may not do it discretely in my own time but never in front of others like this. I will not express that weakness of tears for such an undeserving purpose. Yes that was my family and was my old faction my old life but that's just it. That belonged to Courtney not me. Faith never fitted into that life and she is the biggest part of me.  
Between the moans of seemingly wounded animals and the trembling of the bed sleep continues to evade me throughout the entire night.

**Thank you to all those who read the last chapter and this one. I am starting to struggle with this fanfic. After I finished allegiant I haven't been able to read a single divergent fanfic and I've had great trouble trying to write this one. Anyway I will continue to press on with this story but it just means I have to try a lot harder.  
Also I have been working on the fanfic idea that I mentioned in my last AN so I might put that up if anyone is interested I would love to know. I might put it up around Christmas...**  
**Thank you as always for reading. Till next time 4**


End file.
